NaBloPoMo prompt for Friday, June 4:
What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of your father?
I've actually been thinking about him a lot lately. My dad died when I was only 6 months old. Obviously I never knew him. I'll be 20 in a little over two weeks and I've officially had my mind blown thinking about the fact that by the time my mom was my age she was already a widow with a one year old kid. I can't imagine taking care of a baby at my age - let alone by myself. My mom remarried when I was still really young, but she was always honest with me about my biological father. When I was 5ish I asked her why I had so many grandparents and she explained the whole thing to me. I think that's probably the best way to do it if you have something really hard to tell your kid - if they're old enough to ask they're probably old enough for at least a delicate explanation.
I've always kind of resented my mom for the fact that I've had to raise myself most of my life. She drank a lot when I was younger and has never really put me first - before her boyfriends or herself. We have a pretty good relationship now that I don't really live with her anymore, but it's still hard to forget all of our past sometimes. I see a lot of the negative qualities I hated about her in myself more and more. While it's easier for me to understand why she would turn to drinking after everything that happened in her life, I'm also kind of grateful because what I experienced in my childhood will ensure that I will never do something like that to my own kids. I've mainly learned to how treat other people (and one day, my own children) from her examples of what not to do.
That's not to say that I'm not 100% thankful for everything that she's given me. We've never been able to afford really expensive things or anything, but up until I received government grants for college (effective in Fall 2010, yay!) she paid for my tuition and books. When I was buying a car, she helped me out. I've been going through a lot of difficult things emotionally and physically in the past couple of months and, for the first time in my life, she's been there for me in every way that she can be. My mom will turn 39 this year and I'm finally starting to feel like she's actually the mom in our relationship. I've thought about how different things would be if my dad were still alive. I probably wouldn't even be living in the same area. I wouldn't know any of the people (other than family, of course) in my life. So as much as things have sucked in the past, I don't think I would give up all of the good things to change what has happened. I wish I could have met my father. We don't even have any home videos or anything, so I only know of him from other peoples' descriptions and old pictures. My mom cries anytime I bring him up so most of what I know I've learned from my grandma. It's weird how much you can miss someone you never even knew in the first place.
Strangely, Father's Day is actually on my birthday this year.
This is probably the most serious entry you'll ever get out of me, Blogspot. I kind of appreciate it.
